Fuck me...

No really.... Do it.

I'm full of deceiving little secrets.

Power

I got this! I hope...I've been a good girl. Doing what good girls do. I'm keeping my insides clean and drinking water and sleeping when I'm bored.  I've confessed secrets but only to those who know nothing and are hidden from the secrets behind the ones told. I am a goddess. A fucking train-wrecked goddess! I'll show you all how it's done! The girl on the front of you Vogue didn't get there by asking.

I have the power to make an over populated city become empty. I have the power to make people invisible. I have the power to travel to and from the past. I have the power to live on the lack of what's necessary to live.  I have the power to say "Fuck you" to the world around and smirk behind the precious thankful little smile.  I have the power to pounce on those who attack me. I have the power to be who and what the fuck I am. I am an artist. I am a fucking goddess. I am a fucking train-wrecked used old ass goddess no where near retirement, heartbroken by the fucks from her past.  I am a the queen of the fields that sit in the pit of your stomach when you're doing it because you were convinced to give for some ass-thought-out reason.  I am the goddess of love and the queen of the succubii.  I am the other girl.  I am the first one too. I am the one that laughs at the man on his way to his second "soon-to-be-failed" affair.

I am a fucking mazing.  I'm also a hideous fucking beast hidden behind mesmorizing eyes that can fuck like a porn star.  That cute little petite ass waiting for you to give her a reason to get on her knees and become nothing once again.  Humiliated.  Punctured. Wounded.

I am a goddess. A powerful fucking goddess who never wastes tears because tears are for pussies.

I am a goddess.  I am a queen. No longer a princess. No longer a little girl. No longer aloud to hide under the covers in the dark. She was tossed out with the condom Daddy found in the couch.  Your most prized possession.

You wreak of chocolate and vodka and taste like strawberries and sweet red wine.  You are alone in a crowded corridor and begging for any one of those fuckers to listen to you scream as you stare silently into an abyss that only you can see until your vision in interupted by a big rig horn or your attention to the voice calling your name.

I am the temptress of your youngest son's dick.  I am the girl who got away. I am the girl you thought you had. I am the trecherous young beast old me prowl on when bored with their wives.  The endless journey.  The mindless act.  The pain in your gut when you overdose on laxitives and diuretics and feel like you're shitting needles and bleeding.  I am that god awful yellow bile you spit into the sink as your finishing the purge from the beer you drank last nite.


I am an adult. I have bills. I pay rent. I fuck. I own a cat. I feed it. I drink diet coke for breakfast.  I only mentally cheat.  I like fucking in alley ways.


I am alone. Utterly, ridiculously, strangely alone.  I am driven by the pain in my heart to be beaten by society's high standards for success.

I have no family [to turn to] I have no friends [to hug] I have no paper [to confess on]

All my successes are gone. All my stuff disappeared. I live in clutter.  I am ALWAYS in pain and I don't fucking want to get better. No one will ever know me.

Not like him.......................................................................................

What the hell!

So I haven't been eating like a god damned slob! I've lost 8 lbs. I'll be losing more.  I had a total break down at work! She pulled me into the office and asked me if everything was okay cuz I "apparently" looked frazzled. Then she told me to get it together, own it, let shit go, and just fucking do my job.  I fucking cried like a little fucking bitch! I was so embarassed and ashamed I couldn't stop! I feel like a fucking moron! She even asked me if I was on my period! I'm NOT! I looked like a little pussy. 

My birthday was yesterday. The party is Saturday! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm like hating life right now and I should loving it. I feel selfish and like a fucking fool! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with me.  I finally get the strength to pull myself out of the fat slump I've been in since Feb and then I completely crumble at work. 

Part of me wanted to scream :

" I fucking hate myself, okay? I'm a perfectionist who got fired and can't perform the most simple task here.  I don't want to fucking work here because I want my fucking job back! I haven't eaten all day because I hate the way I look and I punish myself for being weak and letting myself get this way.   and then I hate the way I live cuz I'm so fucking broke, and I hate my life cuz I'm always feeling alone even though there are more than enough people around who say they care. I never reach out for help yet I expect to feel better.  Good enough is never fucking good enough and right now I'm not even close! I'm confused as all fuck about where I am in life and I just turned 25 and hate that I haven't ever been able to live as a child! I can't just get over it like you're asking me to because I can't let my self fall to shit again! I'm extremely hard on myself and I get overwhelmed easily because the noise in fucking brain won't shut the fuck up and you're just adding more shit to it! FUUUUUUUUCK!"


But of course.. all that came out was...

"I've been depressed since I got fired and I haven't been able to pull out of it because of how much I loved my job and how good I was at it.  I'm sorry I'm crying and this isn't usually like me.  I just need to do it. I'm sorry."



...weak..piece..of..shit...

just get your fucking work done!




I hate me, sometimes all the time.



What the fuck is WRONG with me right now, and why the fuck do I care sooo much?