Fuck me...

No really.... Do it.

I'm full of deceiving little secrets.

Power

I got this! I hope...I've been a good girl. Doing what good girls do. I'm keeping my insides clean and drinking water and sleeping when I'm bored.  I've confessed secrets but only to those who know nothing and are hidden from the secrets behind the ones told. I am a goddess. A fucking train-wrecked goddess! I'll show you all how it's done! The girl on the front of you Vogue didn't get there by asking.

I have the power to make an over populated city become empty. I have the power to make people invisible. I have the power to travel to and from the past. I have the power to live on the lack of what's necessary to live.  I have the power to say "Fuck you" to the world around and smirk behind the precious thankful little smile.  I have the power to pounce on those who attack me. I have the power to be who and what the fuck I am. I am an artist. I am a fucking goddess. I am a fucking train-wrecked used old ass goddess no where near retirement, heartbroken by the fucks from her past.  I am a the queen of the fields that sit in the pit of your stomach when you're doing it because you were convinced to give for some ass-thought-out reason.  I am the goddess of love and the queen of the succubii.  I am the other girl.  I am the first one too. I am the one that laughs at the man on his way to his second "soon-to-be-failed" affair.

I am a fucking mazing.  I'm also a hideous fucking beast hidden behind mesmorizing eyes that can fuck like a porn star.  That cute little petite ass waiting for you to give her a reason to get on her knees and become nothing once again.  Humiliated.  Punctured. Wounded.

I am a goddess. A powerful fucking goddess who never wastes tears because tears are for pussies.

I am a goddess.  I am a queen. No longer a princess. No longer a little girl. No longer aloud to hide under the covers in the dark. She was tossed out with the condom Daddy found in the couch.  Your most prized possession.

You wreak of chocolate and vodka and taste like strawberries and sweet red wine.  You are alone in a crowded corridor and begging for any one of those fuckers to listen to you scream as you stare silently into an abyss that only you can see until your vision in interupted by a big rig horn or your attention to the voice calling your name.

I am the temptress of your youngest son's dick.  I am the girl who got away. I am the girl you thought you had. I am the trecherous young beast old me prowl on when bored with their wives.  The endless journey.  The mindless act.  The pain in your gut when you overdose on laxitives and diuretics and feel like you're shitting needles and bleeding.  I am that god awful yellow bile you spit into the sink as your finishing the purge from the beer you drank last nite.


I am an adult. I have bills. I pay rent. I fuck. I own a cat. I feed it. I drink diet coke for breakfast.  I only mentally cheat.  I like fucking in alley ways.


I am alone. Utterly, ridiculously, strangely alone.  I am driven by the pain in my heart to be beaten by society's high standards for success.

I have no family [to turn to] I have no friends [to hug] I have no paper [to confess on]

All my successes are gone. All my stuff disappeared. I live in clutter.  I am ALWAYS in pain and I don't fucking want to get better. No one will ever know me.

Not like him.......................................................................................

What the hell!

So I haven't been eating like a god damned slob! I've lost 8 lbs. I'll be losing more.  I had a total break down at work! She pulled me into the office and asked me if everything was okay cuz I "apparently" looked frazzled. Then she told me to get it together, own it, let shit go, and just fucking do my job.  I fucking cried like a little fucking bitch! I was so embarassed and ashamed I couldn't stop! I feel like a fucking moron! She even asked me if I was on my period! I'm NOT! I looked like a little pussy. 

My birthday was yesterday. The party is Saturday! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm like hating life right now and I should loving it. I feel selfish and like a fucking fool! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with me.  I finally get the strength to pull myself out of the fat slump I've been in since Feb and then I completely crumble at work. 

Part of me wanted to scream :

" I fucking hate myself, okay? I'm a perfectionist who got fired and can't perform the most simple task here.  I don't want to fucking work here because I want my fucking job back! I haven't eaten all day because I hate the way I look and I punish myself for being weak and letting myself get this way.   and then I hate the way I live cuz I'm so fucking broke, and I hate my life cuz I'm always feeling alone even though there are more than enough people around who say they care. I never reach out for help yet I expect to feel better.  Good enough is never fucking good enough and right now I'm not even close! I'm confused as all fuck about where I am in life and I just turned 25 and hate that I haven't ever been able to live as a child! I can't just get over it like you're asking me to because I can't let my self fall to shit again! I'm extremely hard on myself and I get overwhelmed easily because the noise in fucking brain won't shut the fuck up and you're just adding more shit to it! FUUUUUUUUCK!"


But of course.. all that came out was...

"I've been depressed since I got fired and I haven't been able to pull out of it because of how much I loved my job and how good I was at it.  I'm sorry I'm crying and this isn't usually like me.  I just need to do it. I'm sorry."



...weak..piece..of..shit...

just get your fucking work done!




I hate me, sometimes all the time.



What the fuck is WRONG with me right now, and why the fuck do I care sooo much?

Perfection is one of those words that drives someone to strive for the expected. 

I've received my grades and after having as bad of a break down as I had this last semester, I have to say that these are pretty awesome compared to what I was expecting.  I'm super inspired and ready to shine for my final year of undergrad!

Inspired to be amazing, perfect, creative, genius, original.

Inspired to be the best me I can make myself be. 

Inspired to "just do it"

Inspired to be there and be known.

I am a well defined woman with a thin body who is in control and successful. I will live in my dream life accomplish all of my goals! I am my dream!

I'm at work. I'm so hungry it hurts. I was offered skittles and hid them in my locker. There was a birthday and anniversary bit with a chocolate ice cream cake. I left on lunch and I'm sitting in my car smoking instead. I can only do this the right way now. Luckily I'm busy til about 3 cuz I have a job interview at 145 so that'll take up time. When I get home ill shove an apple down my throat. That should take some of the pain away. Anyway....I have to go back now.

Stay Strong ...

Hello.  I call myself Lisa Rowe.  It's my alter ego and disguise name for my blogs. 

I'm 5'6".  I'm currently 169.2.  I gained 20 lbs when I got fired in February and didn't give a fuck.  I throw up when I feel the need to.  I use laxatives when I feel I need to.  I take diuretics when I feel I need to.  Sometimes I eat less that 500 cals a day.  Sometimes I go on liquid diets. 

I've had a fucked up eating cycle since I was 10. I started dieting after my mom grabbed my tummy and said," What's this? We gotta get you in a sport."  I never thought anything was wrong with me til then.  My mom always called me skinny minny and loved me when I was thin. 

LW: 115

I was a perfectionist.  I was sure that I could do anything. I was everything. Perfect grades, perfect athelete, perfect family that worked with more perfect people.  My mother and step - father both worked for Warner Bros..  My step - dad and brother [his son and same mom] are actors.  Well.. not so much anymore.. but you can kinda see how I grew up.  I wanted to be a model at 13. I took head shots, fell in love in hs and got attatched and heart broken and obsessed.  I was too involved with the boy and band so that career never launched. I really believe it was the worst mistake of my life [the boy and the non active modeling career]. 

HW: 197

I was kicked out of my parents house and forced to live with my grandmother at 16, the summer after junior year in hs,  and I gave up on everything then after my attempted suicide at 15. 

I died at 15. 

I have never been the same.  I saw the girls in the ED unit and thought.. "I can get skinnier and it's okay?"  When I was 11 my mom saw an "anorexic" girl at Temple University when I was visiting my cousin.  When I saw the girl I thought she was perfect.. My mom was just calling her out on her shit!

I smoked pot, loved coke, did meth and got fatter and fatter and fatter, I slept with every CLOSE guy friend... just about and made out with the ones I haven't.  The other guys just saw me as one of the guys since I fucked like one and talked about it. 

I have major depression.  I was labeled as "anorexic" by a later therapist when I told her I was underweight and proud at 15.  I'm 24. I'll be 25 in July.  I have lost 49 lbs and gained back 20 after being fired from a job.. where I worked for 3 years.  I was not only fired, but also back stabbed by a friend. 

I live with my bf.  I have a mean cat.  I have a cutting, self harm problem.. I hate myself. I am very negative.  I am contagious.  I am evil.  I hate who I am.  I just want to be back to perfect, prim, and proper.. and did I mention.. THIN?

When I was purging I wasn't very "nonchalant"... I told my best friend about it.  He thought it was a joke.. [he's gay.. I haven't slept with him].  I told my bf.  He was mad and didn't want to hear about it anymore.

My life is fucking miserable.

Welcome to my life.

I have plans of losing a pound everyday until I'm 100 lbs.  I'm 169.2 today..  I want to be 149 by my b-day in the middle of July.  I want to be 120 by the time school starts at the end of Aug.


Feel free to join me.  Negative comments about how this is bad for me and blah blah blah... yeah.. k.. No shit! 5 hr nose bleeds, dehydration, light headedness, dizziness, and bladder infections aren't exactly 'fun'.  So save your breath!

For those of you who are in recovery... I'm happy you're stronger than me.. but then again you got there first, then learned how to live... Good luck to you!

For those of you who think beauty is on the inside and blah blah blah .... I don't want to hear it cuz it's not true.


I see an ogre in the mirror. And I hate her. It's time to fix her.  It's time to make her smaller.

Welcome to my new journey. Just let me be thin! 

-Lisa