Perfection is one of those words that drives someone to strive for the expected. 

I've received my grades and after having as bad of a break down as I had this last semester, I have to say that these are pretty awesome compared to what I was expecting.  I'm super inspired and ready to shine for my final year of undergrad!

Inspired to be amazing, perfect, creative, genius, original.

Inspired to be the best me I can make myself be. 

Inspired to "just do it"

Inspired to be there and be known.

I am a well defined woman with a thin body who is in control and successful. I will live in my dream life accomplish all of my goals! I am my dream!

I'm at work. I'm so hungry it hurts. I was offered skittles and hid them in my locker. There was a birthday and anniversary bit with a chocolate ice cream cake. I left on lunch and I'm sitting in my car smoking instead. I can only do this the right way now. Luckily I'm busy til about 3 cuz I have a job interview at 145 so that'll take up time. When I get home ill shove an apple down my throat. That should take some of the pain away. Anyway....I have to go back now.

Stay Strong ...

Hello.  I call myself Lisa Rowe.  It's my alter ego and disguise name for my blogs. 

I'm 5'6".  I'm currently 169.2.  I gained 20 lbs when I got fired in February and didn't give a fuck.  I throw up when I feel the need to.  I use laxatives when I feel I need to.  I take diuretics when I feel I need to.  Sometimes I eat less that 500 cals a day.  Sometimes I go on liquid diets. 

I've had a fucked up eating cycle since I was 10. I started dieting after my mom grabbed my tummy and said," What's this? We gotta get you in a sport."  I never thought anything was wrong with me til then.  My mom always called me skinny minny and loved me when I was thin. 

LW: 115

I was a perfectionist.  I was sure that I could do anything. I was everything. Perfect grades, perfect athelete, perfect family that worked with more perfect people.  My mother and step - father both worked for Warner Bros..  My step - dad and brother [his son and same mom] are actors.  Well.. not so much anymore.. but you can kinda see how I grew up.  I wanted to be a model at 13. I took head shots, fell in love in hs and got attatched and heart broken and obsessed.  I was too involved with the boy and band so that career never launched. I really believe it was the worst mistake of my life [the boy and the non active modeling career]. 

HW: 197

I was kicked out of my parents house and forced to live with my grandmother at 16, the summer after junior year in hs,  and I gave up on everything then after my attempted suicide at 15. 

I died at 15. 

I have never been the same.  I saw the girls in the ED unit and thought.. "I can get skinnier and it's okay?"  When I was 11 my mom saw an "anorexic" girl at Temple University when I was visiting my cousin.  When I saw the girl I thought she was perfect.. My mom was just calling her out on her shit!

I smoked pot, loved coke, did meth and got fatter and fatter and fatter, I slept with every CLOSE guy friend... just about and made out with the ones I haven't.  The other guys just saw me as one of the guys since I fucked like one and talked about it. 

I have major depression.  I was labeled as "anorexic" by a later therapist when I told her I was underweight and proud at 15.  I'm 24. I'll be 25 in July.  I have lost 49 lbs and gained back 20 after being fired from a job.. where I worked for 3 years.  I was not only fired, but also back stabbed by a friend. 

I live with my bf.  I have a mean cat.  I have a cutting, self harm problem.. I hate myself. I am very negative.  I am contagious.  I am evil.  I hate who I am.  I just want to be back to perfect, prim, and proper.. and did I mention.. THIN?

When I was purging I wasn't very "nonchalant"... I told my best friend about it.  He thought it was a joke.. [he's gay.. I haven't slept with him].  I told my bf.  He was mad and didn't want to hear about it anymore.

My life is fucking miserable.

Welcome to my life.

I have plans of losing a pound everyday until I'm 100 lbs.  I'm 169.2 today..  I want to be 149 by my b-day in the middle of July.  I want to be 120 by the time school starts at the end of Aug.


Feel free to join me.  Negative comments about how this is bad for me and blah blah blah... yeah.. k.. No shit! 5 hr nose bleeds, dehydration, light headedness, dizziness, and bladder infections aren't exactly 'fun'.  So save your breath!

For those of you who are in recovery... I'm happy you're stronger than me.. but then again you got there first, then learned how to live... Good luck to you!

For those of you who think beauty is on the inside and blah blah blah .... I don't want to hear it cuz it's not true.


I see an ogre in the mirror. And I hate her. It's time to fix her.  It's time to make her smaller.

Welcome to my new journey. Just let me be thin! 

-Lisa